Friday, January 27, 2012

... alone...

The fairest words on truest lips
Pass on and surely die,
And you will stand alone, my dear,
When wintry winds draw nigh.

--- Elizabeth Siddal

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Women and their questions!!!

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football
b. Golf
c. How fat you are
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

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Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

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Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say?

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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty ...

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Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - -
MAN: Shit!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Big John doesn't pay!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Friday, January 20, 2012

Violent delights...

These violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder
Which, as they kiss, consume!

— William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Death

Death sits in the chair across from me and watches.
Death sees, but has no eyes.
Death knows, but has no mind.

We often sit together in the night.
We play a game that's called "my life."
Death has one move left.

I have none!

--- Thanks to 'Midnite views'

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Even his demons have demons!


He falls into himself at night and buries all his pain
Underneath his silhouetted shallow broken veins.
He cries aloud without a tear, begging for the reasons
His world's a broken flame, even his demons have demons!

He'll write away what all he can but never satisfy.
He's in too deep and too far gone to ever purify.
So shed his skin once and for all, he does without a wince
And coined his world on walls in blood and hasn't cried once since.

--- Anon

Thursday, January 05, 2012

The Storm

Thunder and lightning fill my brain
With tumultuous thoughts, all the day long.
Sometimes I think it will surely explode,
Leaving me headless: I hope I'm wrong.

Come lightning, flash! Come thunder, crash!
Do your worst, that you might inspire
A river of words to flow from my pen
As sweet music flows from the lyre.

--- Margery Clute

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Funny Schoolwork

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school and college students...

--- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

--- The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon because there is no water in the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins in this fight.

--- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

--- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

--- Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

--- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

--- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

--- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.

--- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.

--- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

--- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

--- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

--- There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

--- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.