Friday, August 26, 2016

Football Jokes

More classic football jokes from The Guardian.

--- Real Madrid, meanwhile, are having a wee clearout now José's leaving the building. They've already opened all the windows and are considering hoicking Gonzalo Higuaín out of one. Representatives of Tottenham, Manchester City and Arsenal are all down at street level, holding out a sheet.

--- Having secured Cardiff's promotion to the Premier League, Malky Mackay is moving swiftly to secure their relegation from it. He wants to sign Bobby Zamora and Adam Le Fondre from soon-to-be relegated QPR and Reading respectively.

--- Arsenal will look to shore things up at the back by signing Martin Skrtel from Liverpool, who are looking to shore things up at the back by selling Martin Skrtel to Arsenal

--- It has happened before, many times. Against Lens. Against Spartak Moscow. Against Auxerre. Against Chelsea. Against PSV Eindhoven. Against Meeelan. Against Anderlecht. Against Monaco : all disappointing European nights for various incarnations of Wenger’s Gunners in which similar weaknesses to those on show against Olympiakos were prevalent. And don’t even get the Fiver started on the Premier League. OK, do. Luckily (or unluckily) for Wenger, his team of occasionally spineless underachievers have an opportunity to put things right (or make them worse) by beating (or losing to) Manchester United in the Premier League.

--- If history is any guide, listening to Klopp will open up a whole world of possibilities for them (Liverpool players): a league medal or two, the odd cup, and best of all, a big-money transfer to Bayern Munich.

--- Not for nothing is Pep Guardiola known as the best coach in the world; behold how he has arrived at Manchester City and binned everyone who doesn’t precisely fit his preordained specifications, replacing them with the most obvious and most expensive players available to him. Genius! And now, he’s decided that he’d like another centre-back, so calling once again on that amazing eye for a talent, has spotted a lad at Juventus by the name of Leonardo Bonucci.

--- Mancherster City insisting that £30m is a fair price for someone (Joe Hart) they believe to be less good than Willy Caballero.

--- Elsewhere, Arsène Wenger is still looking for a centre-back, but is struggling with the nature of the market. He simply cannot abide a situation in which English clubs are charged more money than other clubs, his degree in economics failing him right when he needs to notice that English clubs have much, much more money than other clubs

--- Given that he boasts Laurent Koscielny, Gabriel, Per Mertesacker and Calum Chambers as his senior centre-backs, it has long been clear that Arsène Wenger has absolutely no need whatsoever to strengthen in that department. Unforced error, slowness, clumsiness, callowness, impetuosity and unreliability – all the things that one now looks for in an Arsenal defence – could scarcely be better represented in what is a perfectly balanced back four.

--- Arsenal, after identifying Shkodran Mustafi as the centre-back that they wanted, refused to provide the £30m that Valencia. And now, having been told to pay his £43m release clause, they have somehow convinced themselves that the answer to their problems is "Philip Jones". The move, though, does also have some logic to it: rather than sign a player who starts making errors and getting injured all the time, it surely makes sense to cut out the middleman and sign someone who has already mastered those arts. Le Professeur strikes again!